Today I want to write on something not many think about, something that many take for granted.
Life.
"Well what do you mean Arianna?" So many people take so much for granted. Out of all the people that I have come across online and in my personal life, most take life for granted. They think that life is always going to be there. There is so much about life that many don't realize is a gift, a blessing. They see the big things, like getting a job after years, or someone in their life. They don't see that being able to do the smallest things, like walking, eating, waking up in the morning, being able to go out and have fun; all of these are blessings. Blessings come in all shapes and sizes, but many only see the big blessings. I am writing this because I want, I need people to see that there are smaller blessings too. I have never written on this blog my story but I need to. I need people to hear it, not for me but for you. Please bear with me as I tell this story, this isn't easy for me nor will it be quick and short. I understand if you can't read all of it, I understand if it can be too long- at least you tried.
My Story
I have great parents, they taught me to think for myself and be myself no matter what happens. In this day and age, that makes you a target. I have PTSD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. I had my quirks and until I was 16, we didn't know why. I wasn't diagnosed till I was 16 with ASD. Anyways, as a child I was often the target of bullies. I was different, thought for myself, was a big geek and nerd, and I was white- a minority in Palm Springs, California. Before I was diagnosed with ASD, I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar, so they put me on all these medications for no reason. This made me very sick. When I was 15, I was abused by a now ex, and raped by his friend. After that, I went spiraling into a black hole that I couldn't see the light or get out of. In this time period (of 5 years), I was in mental hospitals every other month, my best friend died suddenly, my grandmother died of cancer and so did my uncle. I can barely remember this time period of my life. I managed to graduate high school with honors because I put my head into books and focused only on school. It was the only way I could survive the rest of high school. I was so sick, so dark that I, personally, don't know how I made it through this even with the support I had. It wasn't until I was 20 years old that I broke away from it and accepted what had happened to me. I had amazing parents who helped me through everything and amazing supportive family, without them I wouldn't have made it through without them. For 3 years, I hadn't been in the hospital. I'm still really proud of myself. I started using my experiences to help others, to help people see the truth of mental illnesses and give support to those in need. Throughout my life, doctors asked my parents how I could have survived my childhood. They would tell them that many would've committed suicide. I want to say this, out of all the times I wanted to die and just end it, my family, God and knowing how it'd affect people stopped me. AS I grew older, I realized that although it really sucked, I wouldn't change what I went through even if I could. I became stronger through it, I try to help people that need the understanding, or those who don't have the understanding. I write. I write my story and my experiences, in hopes that people know they aren't alone. This is only a brief summary, I don't tell anyone I don't know the full story because many don't need to know all of it. This was my childhood. There were some amazing times too, of course. Once a CNN anchor (don't remember his name) that I saw at a conference (this was before it was the Clinton News Network- almost ten years ago) told me I should be a journalist, all because I asked him a question no one asked him during a Q&A session. One time, I got to meet Ellen Hopkins, a YA author, who I was privileged to share my writing with and she still remembers me. I have some good memories, these memories help me remember that not everything was horrible. My childhood, although it was hell, was also filled with love from people who I admired and loved.
When I was about 16, I started having physical issues. I was having joint pain and other pain that the doctors quickly dismissed as part of my anxiety. It was manageable. I was able to ignore it. Then February 2015 hit. One day, I couldn't get out of my bed. The fatigue was so back, I could barely breathe, the pain was excruciating and almost intolerable. It felt like boulders were on top of my body. My sister, who I was living with at the time, pulled me out of bed and helped me with a Epsom salt bath, which helped a little enough for me to move around. Little did I know that this would be the beginning of a hell of a journey, physically. No one knew what was going on. My doctor sent me to a rheumatologist, to get answers. He told me that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. He put me on medication and told me to exercise. The thing is, I couldn't. Within a year I went from a cane to a walker to a wheelchair part time. No one would listen except my primary. I started having issues with my stomach, extreme headaches, heart issues and more. The pain was almost unbearable, but I never gave up. They sent me to the local teaching hospital, where they are trying to figure it out.
I don't share this for sympathy or pity. I keep a smile on my face even when I shouldn't be. I keep positive and still help people, like I have my whole life. I don't and will never give up. I have survived up till now because of my family and God. Without them, I would be nowhere. I call myself a Optimistic Realist. I hope things will change, but I accept things if they don't.
I share this with you because at one point I was like most other people on Earth, who take this life for granted. I am now 23 years old, I have come to terms that what I battle is dangerous, that anything can happen. I may never get better, I hope I do. I learned that EVERYTHING from eating to being able to walk on my own, to doing me hair to being coherent, is a blessing. I have lost so many friends but I have gained some pretty amazing ones too. I look at every day as a blessing. What I go through may be hell to you, but I see it as an obstacle that can be beat everyday and that will only make me stronger. I thank God everyday for all that I am given. I never know what the next day may bring, No matter what type of day I thank God for it. Many don't realize how big of a blessing the most simple thing in life can be. No one realizes that everyone takes so much for granted.
Please don't be like me, please see what you have and thank whoever you believe in for them because one day it could be too late. One day, you could end up like myself without the very gifts that you have now. That's why I share this with you. To show you that even if you have had one hell of a life, even if you feel like you are in the worse situation, you can beat it. You can get through it. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary situation, to seek out help if that is what you need. To tell you that there is so much to be grateful for, so much that you may not realize can be taken for granted. I hope that by sharing my story, even though it was not the full story, it has helped open your eyes to different things.
If you are one of the people who are reading this and are going through a very similar thing and see no way out, I have a message for you.
You are worth it. You are strong, you may feel like you aren't right now but the sun will shine again. Please reach out to people who can help you. You can do this, it may be scary but you can do this. I am here for anyone who may need to talk, who may need help. You can email me at themillennialpatriot@gmail.com anytime, even those who don't need help but want to ask me about anything feel free to email me. I will turn no one away, ever.
Thank you for reading my story and I hope that this has helped.
~Arianna
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